whatf#%$&ingever, right?

Redundancy ensues. I’ve decided it’s time to leave my current thankless, lifesapping, no future job for another thankless, lifesapping no future job. I am never getting back to school at this rate. I am never getting the motivation to change my life ever, I’ve become convinced. I will never own a house, I will never have a job I love, I will always be a disappointment to my family and friends. It’s just a fact of life. Why don’t I get used to it already and give up trying? I used to be so good at that. I used to be so good at turning off life and watching it like it was on a television screen and just not caring. Instead I wish for stupid things like people to care about me or see some sort of talent in me or something that makes me other than a phenomenal waste of breath and space. Whereas I think most of the people I know would gladly forget about me forever if they thought for a second that I would leave them alone. If I died tomorrow, my immediate family would feel some impact, but everyone else would say “oh isn’t that a damned shame” and promptly cease to think of me ever again. I insinuate myself into the lives of others and try to make myself indispensable, because otherwise what would they want me around for? Certainly not my esteemed company. I am a service for hire, rather than a worthwhile person. I truly believe this. I am an ear for listening and understanding, but as soon as I open my mouth everyone tunes out because I am a fucking bore, I am a pompous ass, I am a big, fucking self important idiot. And if I hadn’t had so much potential to be otherwise at some point, it wouldn’t matter, but I am a failure. Utter and complete. I am the big Lazarus Mistake. They should not have raised me from the dead. They should never have let me marry or procreate. There are wonderful people who rely on my and I am no one to be relied upon. I am the biggest fuckup on the planet. Why do I aspire to anything other than that. I am a big fuckup who has a weblog that nobody reads. That’s what I am. Queen Fuckup.