Schroedinger’s Waiting Room…

My dad passed away thursday afternoon at about 2 o’clock. it was sort of unexpectedly expected. We knew it was a looming possibility but not an immediate or inevitable certainty. It took me by surprise, but not shock. In the car ride on the way over, I didn’t know yet if he had died or if he would live. I couldn’t fully simultaneously contemplate the dual possibilities . So I just drove. I was fairly calm and peace when I heard the news, officially. I sat at the edge of the bed and patted my dad’s foot in its black sock for a while when they let us stay with the body. It felt sort of normal that way. More like a hospital visit and less like a goodbye. I am okay. I am fine right now. I am with my family. When I am done with that I’ll have time to think about how I actually feel. For right now, there is no feeling there is just doing. That is maybe as it should be. Love and peace. Corbid.

the opening and closing of various gates…

…and so another year ends, in sickness and in health…good fortunes to perfectly balance the bad…a year that canceled itself out, more or less…I let it go out quietly, hoping for a louder season, a much much brighter, louder season this next circling of the sun…sometimes we relish the quiet…but may we not go gently this time around…life being for the living and all of that…Happy Janus’ Day…

Gratefulness: 7 things on a Sunday Morning

epona1)Listening to our local “pirate” radio station run by baby

2)Breakfast is hostess cupcakes and mexican dark coffee with cream on the porch with candles and incense and the Sunday paper. Dishes can wait…

3)We won, we won, we fucking won…I volunteered my time and $5 I couldn’t afford to a candidate that actually won! I kind of feel like a Timequake has occurred (apologies to K. Vonnegut) and the spiritual resurgence of Clinton era ideals actually makes me 19 again somehow. I feel like it’s finally safe to start my life over again and do things right this time.

4)Time is tight and money’s even tighter, but I am getting more resourceful by the minute. This morning, for instance, I have thrown a pot of beef stew in the oven for lunch,simultaneously lowering our heating bill and preventing wasteful takeout food spending. If it ever came down to it, I know how to make vinegar out of raw apple cider, for fuck’s sake, I got pioneer survival skills, I can certainly live without ordering pizza on a Friday night or two…

5)Spent this Friday night watching Jimmy Stewart movies with my 6 year old and eating white cheddar popcorn and leftover Halloween candy while my 11 year old wrote “littlest pet shop” screenplays in MS Notepad to be acted out with her sister later.

6)Got enough sleep for a change. I could have slept for years. I love it when the seasons change because in summer the daylight and the heat start seeping in early in the morning on weekends and you can never get back to sleep. The downside of our Arizona existence.

7)The depression I didn’t know I was in is slowly lifting. My mind is not blocked and I can write again. I feel like I can stand the company of other people again. My thoughts have time to drift again and it feels like the world will not suffer and drown for their drifting.

Election MySpace digest…

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

We can be Heroes (forever and ever)
Current mood: luminous
Category: Life

I watched the race called for Obama at 9pm last night on CNN at the Red Garter – somebody had put “Heroes” on the jukebox. It could not have been more perfect. I feel joy. Pure and simple joy. Maybe, just maybe, the world will be a better place again.

Happy Guy Fawkes Day, by the way. And Happy Birthday to Tina, could you ask for a better present?


Currently listening :
By John Lennon
Release date: 2000-04-11

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Monday, November 03, 2008

Kilgore Trout Said It Best…
Current mood: anxious

“You were sick, but now you are well again. And there’s work to be done.”

Happy Election Day. Do The Right Thing. You know what it is…

Currently listening :
The Clash (U.S. Version)
By The Clash
Release date: 2000-01-25

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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The “Autism Vote” is not up for grabs…
Category: News and Politics

I am offended at John McCain’s attempts to use his VP pick as a basis to court the “autism vote” throughout the debate tonight.

My very bright but autistic child needs healthcare and educational opportunities and a brighter economic future, not just sympathy. Do not insult me by courting me as part of a demographic but failing to address the actual needs of that demographic.

How are you going to help children with autism? By nominating a woman with an autistic niece? Well, if that’s your plan you have still not answered my question.

If your really want to court my vote as an “autism mom” either offer up actual policies that give me hope or nominate a neuroscientist but don’t insult me with vague intimations that I will have some sort of “friend in the White House” because your running mate has a disabled child.

Being related to an autistic child does not make you an autism expert. And while choosing to have a Down’s Syndrome child may be as hard or harder than raising an autistic child, this is again not a qualification to influence public policy.This does not make her any more of an expert on childhood disability than I am. Hell, my kid is older than hers, so I have seniority in that regard, frankly…

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Contents Under Pressure May Explode…

Inarticulation has reached critical mass. I have always been so good at holding things together even when I don’t hold things together. Pathologically even tempered. Lately though I feel like I am on 24 hour permanent on call status for everyone. I have so much I am responsible for everywhere that I cannot get anything done anywhere. I have reached the proverbial breaking point. One thing on the pile too many. I am a raw and aching nerve. I am irrationally, inexpressably angry and anxious and unable to cope. I know a lot of this is hormone related. The timing is not coincidental – I a bleeding and raging and I am a pathetic disintegrative mess. I think I used to feel this way more often, it’s just foreign to me know and I can’t process the anger that comes with it, other than to hole up in my room or in a corner and neglect everything I should be doing rather than risk snapping at someone or something. My house is a wreck. There are no clean dishes left. I have to work tomorrow. I can’t sleep. My escape the house for the evening plans got cancelled at the last minute. I want to scream and break things or just give up but Ibut I know this will all seem trite and silly in the morning or in a day or whenever it stops.

La Loteria…

I’ve just randomly discovered that those eerie images one sees on Downtown area folkart matchbooks and wooden ladder games does indeed have a history…You know, the images of “The Mermaid” and “El Diablo” and “El Corazon?” The official name is Loteria and it’s yet another example of wild and uncultivated mythology echoing Appalachian English Folk Songs or the African pantheons in Santeria

Loteria is one among many semi-ancient traditions still alive in Mexico by way of long journeys through history, migration and traditional lore. It is part Tarot, part “bingo” game and part esoteric mystery cult. The cards are the symbolic answers to riddles or rather the question to each answer, like a Jeapordy game hosted by the Sphynx…

A guide to Loteria Riddles
“The Blanket of the Poor” equals The Sun
“He that sang to St. Peter will not return to sing again” is The Rooster

There’s not a lot out on the web re the deeper meaning of all this, but being who I am I am of course about to go all Robert Graves on it and traverse the wilds of the electronic frontier to delve into the history and meaning of it all. Armchair Mythologists of the world unite and take over…


Currently listening :
In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
By Neutral Milk Hotel
Release date: 1998-02-10


I am inexplicably queasy this morning. End of summer migraine weirdness. It is a Monday in August of a year in which our cultural and societal debt is being referred to third party collections and our planet is on the verge of being repossessed by the forces of nature. It’s a scary time to be alive, I guess. Yet somehow we persist. Maybe out of a desire to see what happens next. How can we possibly get ourselves out of this mess. Tune in next week to see…